When an important relationship also hurts

In some relationships, affection coexists with a growing sense of confusion. One day you feel close to someone; the next, you find yourself wondering whether you exaggerated, misunderstood, or whether what you remember really happened. If any of this sounds familiar, I invite you to observe the relationship carefully without rushing to conclusions. In this article, I will explore harmful behaviours, narcissistic patterns and ways to regain trust in your own experience.

What does an emotionally harmful relationship mean?

Not all difficult relationships are abusive. Disagreements, mistakes or periods of distance do not, on their own, amount to mistreatment. I want to distinguish conflicts that can be discussed from persistent behaviours that restrict your freedom, make you doubt your needs or keep you on alert.

Perhaps you mentally prepare every conversation to avoid a disproportionate reaction. You may have stopped sharing concerns because they usually end in ridicule, blame or prolonged silence. Some people change their routines, friendships or decisions to avoid a partner's or family member's anger.

When these things happen repeatedly, it is worth considering their effect on you. The intention another person states does not erase the consequences of their actions. An apology matters, but so does what happens afterwards.

Narcissism: observing behaviour before applying labels

In *It's Not You*, psychologist Ramani Durvasula describes how invalidation, gaslighting and cycles of manipulation can affect people in relationships with those who show narcissistic patterns. Her approach invites attention to repeated behaviours and reclaiming personal autonomy, rather than investing all your energy in getting the other person to change.

The word “narcissist” has become common online. That is why I consider it important to use it carefully. A person can show self-centred, defensive or hurtful behaviours without meeting clinical criteria for a personality disorder. Diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder requires professional assessment.

You also do not need a diagnosis of another person to recognise that a relationship affects you. You can ask what happens when you express a boundary, who takes responsibility during conflict and how much room there is for your decisions.

When you begin to distrust your memories

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which someone repeatedly distorts or denies events, with the effect of making another person doubt their perception, memory or judgement. Not every disagreement about what happened is gaslighting. The pattern, context and power relationship matter.

Imagine a conversation in which you mention a sentence that hurt you. The response might be “I never said that”, followed by ridicule of your sensitivity or accusations that you invent conflicts. When similar situations recur, it is understandable that you begin to revisit your memories again and again.

Invalidation can also occur when someone constantly minimises your emotions or demands that you prove you have enough reason to feel hurt. This does not mean both people must agree. It means disagreement does not require contempt for another person's experience.

Why is it difficult to leave when a relationship causes harm?

I have often heard the question “why don't they leave?” and prefer to replace it with another: “what makes taking distance so difficult in this particular story?”

Attachment, hope, fear, financial dependence, children, family pressure or the absence of a safe support network can influence a decision. There are also relationships in which moments of closeness appear between episodes of rejection or control, increasing uncertainty.

Feeling love, nostalgia or sadness does not invalidate the harm you experienced. Nor does it mean you consciously chose to remain in a harmful situation. Each person needs to consider their context, resources and safety.

Five questions to regain clarity

I am not suggesting you answer these to decide what to do today. I want them to help you observe facts and recognise needs:

• What happens when I say something hurts or makes me uncomfortable?
• Can I disagree without fearing humiliation, threats or retaliation?
• Does the other person acknowledge their actions and change their behaviour, or does the same situation repeat itself?
• Have I stopped doing important things to avoid conflict?
• With whom can I talk about what is happening without feeling judged?

If writing helps, record specific situations: what happened, how you responded, what you felt and what happened afterwards. Do this safely, especially if someone checks your devices or controls your communications.

Boundaries, support and safety

A boundary expresses a personal need or decision. For example: “I do not want to continue this conversation if there are insults”. It is not a tool for guaranteeing that another person will change.

When there are threats, coercion, intimidation or violence, safety takes priority. Seeking specialised support and developing a plan adapted to your circumstances matters more than directly confronting someone who could respond aggressively.

I also want to remind you of something: asking for help does not require telling your entire story at once. You can share one situation, express a doubt or acknowledge that you need time to understand what is happening.

Listening to your own voice again

Perhaps what you need first is not a final answer about the other person, but space to listen to yourself again. Identifying patterns, validating your needs and strengthening safe relationships can be part of that journey.

At Psiquesintiendo, I support people who have experienced invalidation or emotional abuse with respectful listening, without imposing decisions or reducing their stories to labels.

If you would like to learn how I work, you can explore individual psychotherapy or write to me. My purpose is to offer a space where understanding your experience is the first step towards deciding with greater autonomy.